Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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