I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
