Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
