Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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