She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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