Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
