Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
