Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
