i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
