She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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