and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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