I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
