i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
