Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
