i jhust puked up my retainher.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
