just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
