Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
