My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
