when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
