Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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