It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
