wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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