i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
