I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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