just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
