I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So many bounce houses so little time
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
