okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
