The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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