Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
