you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
