i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
