just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
