My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
