tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
