and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
