Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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