I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
