I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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