Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
