You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
