you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What drink are we having for lunch?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
