you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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