i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
