Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
