quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
