When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Don't tell me you're on acid again
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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