I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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