this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
