That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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