Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
