So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
